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Monday, April 11, 2011

Having children doesn't mean you have to be a monk. If you're single, RALPH has a few tips on how to start dating again without ending up like deadbeat dad Charlie Sheen.

However you ended up here, there's light at the end of the Ikea aisle. While we don't expect you to pimp your ride like celebrity single dads Eminem or Colin Farrell, you don't have to go to your grave as "daddy don't care".

Firstly, don't feel guilty about wanting some (adult female) attention coming back your way for a change. Sure you're worried about what impact it may have on your kids but remember, it's only a first date and if you're happy, you'll be a happier dad.

Do's
Clean up your look. That favourite football jersey may be a hit at the pub but it doesn't rate with a woman. Pick a style that suits your shape, hide the tats (unless your dating LA Ink's Kat Von D) and shower.

Get your own interests. Chauffeuring the kids around to every sports event and piano lesson may suggest it's etched into the daddy manual but there are limits. Take your kid to your gym or footy game and get them interested in you. Having a hobby outside your kid's pastimes is healthy, particularly when you're telling your date what makes you tick.

Keep the kids out of it. Go on your date when you don't have the kids. It seems obvious but don't invite a woman to your house or introduce them to the little ones until down the track. It will cause confusion for everyone. And keep "sleepovers" to a minimum.

Tell your date you're a dad. Don't blurt it out before you get the menu but let them know early. Believe it or not, not all women want to deal with other people's kids. It's a tricky balancing act — she wants to know you love them (so talk about them) but don't make them the focus.

Get back on the horse. It's an unfortunate turn of phrase but sometimes a bad date is better than no date. There's no "too soon" period (except for Greg Norman). There are all kinds of advice about how many months before you should date after the end of a relationship but it's different for every bloke. The old saying that "sometimes the easiest way to get over someone is get under someone" has its supporters. You'll know when it's right.

Join a group. Stuck for ideas? There's a heap of similar blokes out there. Try Parents Without Partners or the slew of dating sites — just check the "have children" box.

Don'ts
Don't follow Charlie Sheen. Don't trick yourself into thinking the best way to be a role model for your kids is to get two blonde "goddesses" into your mansion to watch your boozy incoherent rants. That approach worked for a week before his twin boys were removed from his house. Definitely not winning.

Don't talk only about your kids. Yes, show a pic or tell a cute anecdote to show your softer side, but remember you're a man as well a dad. FYI, conversations about your three-year-old's head lice and vomit are not romantic.

Don't look for a replacement mum. She (and the kids) will sniff that a mile away.

Don't fall for the first woman. It's tempting when you find a hottie laughing at your anecdote about going backstage at an AC/DC gig, which has long drawn a blank response from your 12-year-old daughter, but remember this is just the first date.

Don't catch the handyman's curse. Every bloke thinks of himself as a Mr Fix-it — whether it be putting up a shelf or setting up a new laptop — it's inherent that we like to feel needed or useful. But don't mistake that for enduring love. When she asks you to screw in a light bulb or move house (especially into yours) just step off the ladder and take a breath.

Don't bang on about your ex. Whether you're in the middle of a messy divorce and she's taking you to the cleaners or an angel has left you widowed, dates are not a therapy session. Your date may appear to be interested but keep your responses short and positive. Bagging your former partner will not make your dinner date feel more special. You just look bitter and angry.

Don't restrict yourself to dating single mums. Just because you have kids doesn't mean the only person who gets your lot is your female opposite number. Often the last thing a woman wants is someone else's problems … we mean, loving children.

Graham Brown

Your say. What are your tips for dating as a single dad?